IFComp 2023
This is the story of an artist colliding with the pressures of capitalism.
What worked for me
There's a strong arc to this short work: A bargain, a furious labor, a choice. The sculptor's obsession with his work comes through, and is backed up by the actions we're given: Do we *stop* our work to eat with Ricky, or *dismiss* him in our hurry? Do we *greet* or *lash out* at the suits when they visit our studio? In moments between work, we *contemplate.*
The prose is compact and effective. The work seemed bug-free - maybe a couple of grammar issues but not enough to be distracting. Also, despite some complaints below, I like this piece!
What worked less well
I had a funny experience early in this story: The baroque de Ribera (1591-1652) painting as the cover image, and the first couple pages describing an old man sitting in front of a block of marble, primed me to think I was in a 16th or 17th century story. That assumption was upset on the third page:
Ricky, the owner of the run-down garage you work in calls for you.
“There's a fancy suit asking for ya.”
This probably reveals the mood I was in while reading, but it took me a beat to move from annoyed to amused. In retrospect it feels intentional, a rug-pull out of the PC's musings into the inciting incident - I like it, and I'm struggling to put my finger on why it didn't quite land for me. Something about the comic timing being off - it happens in the middle of a passage without enough change in style or spacing to give me the reader a matching “jolt.” I'm curious how it landed for others.
The ending felt a bit abrupt to me. We make the critical choice (sell our work and tarnish its perfection by turning it into a commercial product? Or destroy it, letting it live unblemished in our memory?) and get one more page - a very brief postscript, so brief that it leaves consequences of the choice to our imaginations. I feel like it needed one more beat - the sculptor's own satisfaction, and then the moment that reality rushes in.
Also, I'm going to allow myself to be a bit cranky about the choice itself. There is a real tension between pursuing one's artistic vision and making money. The reduction here to “total sellout vs. better to destroy it” is a caricature - it risks reinforcing a “no compromise starving artist” stereotype that condescends on real artists struggling to make a living on their work - particularly because destroying the sculpture feels like the “right” choice to me, as written here. So I found myself wishing for more nuance, in a short story where it might be out of place.
There might be a longer reflection to write on this in dialogue with *Sunday in the Park with George*? That work also draws a jarring contrast between the pursuit of art and the pursuit of art-as-business.
Overall it's a good sign when a story has me complaining about the theme. This was tidy and punchy and had something to say (even if I disagreed with it). Thank you for sharing your work, Yakoub!